The Joys of Being 87

Old TV ad featuring a perky 50-ish woman: Age is just a number, she says. The brilliant ad man who wrote that bullshit is clearly under 40. I turned 87 in March. I’ll tell you, friends, age is real.

Eye problem – due for my second corneal transplant. Balance issues. I walk so carefully…they call it “The Waddle.” My friends are falling all over the place. I hang on to walls. Lots of night lights. I have to sit on a chair to put on my underpants and socks. I’m on my third pair of hearing aids.

Now comes the kicker. My GP ordered an MRI due to my neck pain, numbness, weakness and tingling in my arms and shoulders. Sure enough… I have serious cervical (c3 – c5) spinal stenosis (narrowing).

Sometime in the month of August (hopefully earlier) I will have neck surgery called a cervical laminectomy where they file away my “bone spurs” and add titanium rods to keep my vertebrae in alignment.

While this sounds pretty hairy, I can hardly wait. The recovery doesn’t sound too bad. (Don’t lift anything heavier than 10 pounds and be waited on hand and foot by your family.)

Although I may be overly optimistic, I’m hopeful my symptoms will go away, POOF when pressure is taken off my spinal cord. If this works like I expect, the last few years of my life will be greatly enhanced. I may be able to toss Reid up in the air… at least roll on floor with him. My dad lived to 90. Not a bad run. Oh, BTW Hooray for Kaiser. We are so lucky to have modern medical “miracles” and quality health care (some of us).

I will keep you posted. In the meantime, I’m raising my middle finger to the TV lady and her “Age is just a number.”  

Reid’s Song

As I’ve mentioned in a recent blog post, I’m writing a song for my grandson, Reid. The lyrics are nearly done and I’ll soon be going into the studio to record the music. Here are three chapters, fyi.  Keep in mind, this is personal and not for wider consumption. The audience is my grandson many years from now when he can understand what it means. The song is raunchy, poorly written, shitty poetry, angry, funny, ironic, and full of love (like its author).

If distributed to a wider audience, it would be hugely offensive to many people. Tough shit. But you are special. Subscribers to my blog. So I’m sharing a few of my favorite “chapters.” The song is about 3,500 words covering 16 chapters,  and will take over 30 minutes to narrate with music and background singers.

 I will try to sing parts of it, but mostly it will be like “Talkin’ Blues.”  Think Bob Dylan, Alice’s Restaurant, American Pie, Woody Guthrie, Ken Nordine.

People say, “Way too long.” I say, “American Pie is 8 minutes, Alice’s Restaurant is 28 minutes, and the Iliad takes 10 hours to read aloud. I’m in good company.”

Chapter #2: Mentors

When you leave home
A complete unknown
All  alone
And on your own

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Mentors you’ll find
Advice they will give
They’ll light the way
For how to live

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Tell them your dream
Your evil scheme
Right from the start
They’ll know you’re smart

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To these angels
Reach out and meet
Give as much as you get
It is a two-way street

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Bosses, and teachers,
and therapists all
Even your friends
will answer the call

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Now meet the five
Who shared the light
And shaped my life
As I took flight

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Chapter #5: Jesus

Christians you’ll meet
They’ll  steal your soul
And pick your pocket
For your bankroll

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They’ll tell you about
A man in the sky
Who takes notes
Whenever you lie,

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They say he is god
The father of Jesus
Gives you eternal life
If he so pleases

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They’ll try to scare you
With heaven and hell
Noah’s ark  original sin
All is not well

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The virgin birth
immaculate conception
Then they end with
The resurrection
The resurrection
The resurrection

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Stop laughing Reid
I know this sounds silly
But billions believe it
Not kidding, no, really

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It starts with
Santa and the tooth fairy,
then they come with
The virgin Mary

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From Santa to Jesus.
Don’t believe this crap
It’s all nonsense,
Simple as that

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You never will get
Our compliance
We’re protected you see
by logic and science.

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Your future is not
Up in the sky
But with these humans
Near you close by

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Chapter 6:  Politics

The right is for money
Give it all to the rich
From my taxes
You son of a bitch

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Comfort of the rich
Said Voltaire
Depends on an abundant
Supply of the poor
You really should care

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Your comfort depends
On poor workers
Be generous with wages
Their families ensure

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We can have democracy
Or great wealth for a few,
but we can’t have both
If only they knew

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Keep to the left
The children to feed
Respect your workers
Give ‘em all they need
Stay tuned. I’ll let you know as the song evolves.