Details on my February 8 show at The Dragon Theater.
To order tickets: http://dragon.vbotickets.com/event/you_wont_believe_what_happened_next_by_rick_gilbert/40911
Spoiler Alert: If you hate laughing so hard you can’t breathe,
DO NOT read this piece on “Anger Management.”
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’
A manic voice yelled in my ear, “Get the right fucking number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Cheryl’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an asshole!’ and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell,’You’re an asshole!’ It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!‘ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an asshole!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the mall, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Boulevard, in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’
He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an asshole!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, I had a problem. I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, you’re an asshole!’ But I didn’t hang up.
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah. I’m still here.’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’
I said,’Make me.’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’
I said, My name is Don Hansen.’
He said,’Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and there’s a black Beemer parked in front.’
He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’ and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, asshole.’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are ….’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed,’I’ll kick your ass!’
‘Well, asshole,’ I answered, ‘here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up, got into my car and headed over to Oaktree Boulevard in Fairfax to watch the fun. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other while bystanders called the police. I feel so much better now.